“Just because I cannot see my progress, that does not mean it isn’t being made.—–All we have is time so allow yourself to build up; building takes time.”
“Just because I cannot see my progress, that does not mean it isn’t being made.—–All we have is time so allow yourself to build up; building takes time.”
I know I briefly touched on this in my old post Somewhat Solution To The Sad Times but I felt it needed to be touched on again due to recent events. What do you do on those days where you just don’t feel like getting out of bed? The days where your whole entire being feels heavy, weighed down by the chemicals in your head. By chemicals i’m referring to the imbalance which causes depression. Depression is something i’ve known like a brother for the past 8-9 years, it crept up with just the occasional downswing to show it was coming. Before I knew it, it decided to move in. Things went from just feeling heavy and struggling to get out of bed, to the word suicide holding the same connotation in my head as a puppy. Things got extremely bad, but after several stupid decisions and a few failed actions, I began to gain some acceptance of this life.
Obviously I must be meant to be here regardless of my thoughts otherwise on the matter, else i’d already be long gone. The feelings have never truly gone away and I can always feel those thoughts lurking in the back of my mind, sneaking in any time they notice a point of weakness. It’s alright though, i’ve come to welcome this duality into my life. So many hours spent on thoughts about death and dying just serve to contrast the brighter parts of life making them even more evident. Surrendering to the universe i’ve decided whatever will happen will happen, and the moment I made that decision it was as if I was no longer carrying as heavy of a weight! So i’m not sure if depression ever goes away for those of us who are truly depressed, but I have learned that if you can change the way you see and interact with your depression than it WILL get easier. Even if just by a tiny bit.
I find it’s helpful to set tasks for yourself, just little things that force you out of bed at some point in the day. Once you’re out of bed allow yourself the comfort of a nice long warm shower, but make sure not to let your mind wander too much into heavier territory, just focus on the sensations of the water pounding your back, the steam caressing your skin, the warmth enveloping your bones; be present in the moment. Grab some earbuds and go for a short walk around your neighbourhood. Breathe in some deep breaths of fresh air savouring the feeling of freshness, feel a light breeze wrap around you in the ghost of a hug from mother earth, listen to those birds crying out their joy for life to the world, feel the warmth of the sun on your face; lose yourself in it. Once again these are all just different ways to stay present in the moment, but really that’s one of the most beneficial things you can do when you’re under siege by your own head.
For a time I tried using various forms of escapism before I realized what I was doing, and while they did allow me to step away from my thoughts I would always be right back with them afterwards without anything to truly show for it. I devoured books at an insane pace, plowing through multiple series in a week, I binged thousand of anime episodes, countless tv shows, movies, devoted insane amounts of hours into video games. But you know what? None of that was ever more than a temporary fix, a patch job, a band-aid on a gaping head wound. They would somewhat delay the end result but they wouldn’t have any other benefits. I mean I guess I could argue some of my writing ability came from all of that reading but seeing as most of it was fantasy I didn’t really learn much which couldn’t be found in an english class room over a much considerably shorter span of time.
So if things are going bad, like game over time to start a new file level bad. Change something in your life. Please stop waiting for others to come and help you, stop wallowing in the sadness, reveling in the sad music, vibing along to words of knives and bullets through the head. Stop running past scenarios over and over again in your head focusing on that empty, hollow, throbbing pain inside your chest. Please. None of that’s going to help you and just giving in and letting it swallow you up will be something you’ll always regret. Forever looking back and wondering exactly when things got so bad that you decided you didn’t want this life anymore. And I truly hate more than anything that people can relate to feeling this way, if there’s anyone reading this who hasn’t already done so and they’re feeling like they’re standing at an edge of a precipice, please, please, please confide in just a few people. Even if just one or two, allow them to help you hold that weight on your shoulders, and if you don’t have anyone to turn to than find someone! Your parents, therapists, a community of strangers online, new friends, whichever you choose just please don’t try to go it alone, I can tell you from experience that it never works well. And if you choose to go it alone, well if you’re one of the lucky ones you’ll live with the scars over your soul thinking of all you’ve done or tried to do because of this illness. Please don’t do that to yourself, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
I started this post planning to write about different things I do to lift my mood when i’m feeling low, instead I spent my time opening up about things I never expected to be telling random strangers on the internet. But the thought of this post helping even just a single person by giving them something to relate to, well it makes it something I almost feel as if I HAVE to post. If opening up about my past experiences and telling life stories to strangers has a chance to help people than the decision is an easy one. Which is kind of odd for me to think about because growing up I was an extremely private person who would go to great lengths in order to avoid opening up to anyone outside of my super close-knit friend group, heck even they didn’t know everything about me! In fact I specifically remember one of them talking to me about how they’d never seen me truly angry or sad and they complimented me on always being so calm even though that was the base emotion I had decided to put forward and wear like armor; I didn’t want anyone knowing exactly how broken I felt every day, and you know what it’s done for me? It led to two of my friends taking their own lives feeling there was no one they could relate to when all along I was right there and could have talked to them about it. Don’t put yourself in a position like that, I promise you it’ll feel like poison in your soul.
Anyways this got extremely dark and i’m super sorry for all of that everyone! Please try to always take the time to look after your earthly bodies as well as your spiritual half, their duality is what allows us this beautiful human experience. I wish each and every one of you the very best and I hope you continue moving forwards through this life! If you’re ever feeling really low and just need someone to talk to than shoot me a message over on instagram @fadetostay and i’ll do my best to get back to you. Continue living in the moment and spreading the peace, love, and those beautiful tranquil vibes!
Well dang, there I was doing so well at making an obligatory post without missing a single day before this happened. Even with that cold I still managed to put some stuff out even though it wasn’t super long or fact filled. Well there’s the first of a new category of lessons, we all fall down sometimes. We all have lapses in priority or concentration. But that’s okay.
Sure we all fall down sometimes and sure some of us take a little bit longer to get back up, but the fact of the matter is; we always get up again. Falling down; failure, is practically a requirement of learning. Eventually you may get to the point where a fall feels more like a stumble than an actual fall! A point where by the time you’ve begun falling you’re already started on picking yourself back up again!
I’m back to travelling around a little bit, even though it’s still within the borders of Canada. Today I’m off to London! It’s a lot smaller than Toronto but it’s got great people, a lot of my high school friends went to college there, and it’s got some delightful little clubs! I’d recommend Lavish if you were in a clubbing mood while visiting, it’s got a much nicer and more welcoming vibe than most of the other clubs I’ve visited there. Plus it’s lgbtq+ so however you identify you should be welcomed with open arms!
I’ll be running around the city a bunch over the next few days so we’ll see if I manage to snap some cool pictures of the area. I make no promises though since I’m planning to be mostly indoors and since there shall be festivities I’m not sure how often I’ll have those quiet shutterbug moments. I’ll try to seek some of them out though, maybe a shot of a rooftop patio or something haha.
Anyways it’s going to be great getting back into the swing of things, I’ll be trying to once again post once a day so things should pick right back up! And if not than I blame my London friends and I’ll be back up to a regular posting schedule the second I leave that place! I look forward to getting back in touch with all of you and making this blog begin to grow again! I hope you’ve all been growing in whatever aspects of life interest you as well!
Peace, love, and tranquil vibes,
I’ve got an audition tomorrow morning and currently getting over a cold so right now I need to just head to bed and pray to whatever powers may be that my throat heals up overnight along with this stuffed up nose.
I’ll let you all know how it went afterwards, it’s the first of two opportunities I’ve got over the next few days. Keep searching out how to open those doors people! Keep advancing! Everyday, even when you’re sick, you’re still advancing in life. Don’t let time spent become a regret, never stop moving, evolving.
Anyways keep it real and do your best to live in the moment, we’re all divine beings, we’ve got this!
Peace, love, and tranquil vibes all,
Do you ever feel like you’re freefalling and everything and everyone you’ve ever known or loved is just slipping past your fingertips as you desperately try to regain control?
Cause that’s what I feel like.
I feel like everyone else’s life cycle resembles that of a raindrop, a slow steady fall where they can be lifted and spun around by wind’s encompassing embrace; I feel like a bolt of lightning.
Screams out, dashing down to the ground as quickly as possible
But in all actuality it’s my impact that hits first before they hear my words.
By the time I gather the strength to cry out it’s already happened.
The only thing left is a memory of the scream and maybe an afterimage if you were looking at me.
..it’s all very, brief.
By the time you blink me out of your eyes it’ll be like I never was.
A tiny mark on the ground for where my body landed.
And even this will be washed away in time by the rain I call my friends.
For isn’t that what rain does?
Washes away and purifies?
Though if we go with that
Does that not mean by proxy I was impure?
And if I was impure how does that speak of those who came before me?
The brief bolts of lightning who seared themselves into my brain leaving only a brief afterimage in my memories
A little mark.
Perhaps that is why lightning is forked?
So we can revisit the spots of those who came before
And those who will come again.
Perhaps that is also why the rain resembles teardrops,
they both came from the same place but took different fates
and still the rain will linger as dew drops until it yet too drops,
Just like i did
I cannot conceive which to be the worse fate
That of the rain
Or the one that I take.
Well my ear thing fixed itself but now I’ve come down with a cold two days before a commercial audition, really hope it clears up in time or there’s minimal chance I’ll actually get the part. Ugh, why world? Why?
I try not to do straight up lists for blog posts because I feel like i’m cheating myself when I do, they just don’t take much effort and are almost a dime a dozen. However there are occasions where I feel the need to make one, one of those occasions being now. This list is a list of various things which cheer me up a tiny bit or at least help lessen the sadness. Sad times come to us all and it doesn’t make you weak for breaking down, it makes you human. Don’t be afraid to be sad, feel every emotion as fully as you can; they’re what makes this human experience so incredible. But also try not to lurk in the sadness for too long, anyways, here’s what I usually find helps for me.
Just plug in some earbuds and go for a walk. That’s it. Just find a nice chill soundtrack that you enjoy, and breath in that fresh air. Personally I recommend anything from stereotypical hippy music to lo-fi hip hop, one pretty much spreads infectious joy and the other is amazing for thinking through whatever’s aiding you from like a distant perspective. I also believe fresh air helps in most situations, a closer connection to the energy of the earth.
Take off your shoes. Just find a nice warm bit of dirt, rock, sandy beach, or maybe a nice sun spot in a mossy forest. Just being barefoot and having that connection to the earth always feels so incredibly soothing. Plus like my last point, it gets you outside into the fresh air!
Pull out your phone, think of your favourite two shows, type them into google looking for crossover fics that aren’t just lemons. Ever wanted to see Harry Potter as part of The Avengers? Maybe Walking Dead with the characters from The Office? Or if you really need something entertaining search for crack fics, which are basically just sheer nonsensory parodies of whatever that fic is based off of. A personal favourite of mine is The Champion’s Champion by DriftWood1965, it’s a story where Harry lets Ron stand in for him as the triwizard tournament champion and involves fart jokes, giant canaries, and potentially a fire breathing duck. Honestly I highly recommend it although do be aware that they bash on Ron a bit.
Go to BulkBarn and buy some candy! Sure it’s indulging the kid in you but come on, everyone’s got a little bit of a sweet tooth and honestly you probably deserve a treat. That’s this point, indulge yourself. So many times do we neglect ourselves just trying to look after everything around us, while that’s a good thing to do we really need to stop and take more time to look after ourselves. I don’t just mean your physical health but your mental health too, destress! Unplug yourself. Get in touch with even the littlest things that you used to really enjoy but somehow ended up not doing over the years and you don’t really recall when you stopped, just that the habit is dead. Reconnect with yourself.
Honestly peeps, just watch some really adorable cat or dog videos. Heck, cuddle with an actual live cat or dog, or a bird, lizard, snake, whatever types of creatures you find adorable. The point i’m trying to make is there’s so much heckin cuteness out there and we need to enjoy it a little bit more.
Try to astral project. Maybe you’ll manage it, maybe you won’t. But i’m fairly confident it would at least take your mind off of whatever is ailing you. At least for a little bit. Plus as a bonus I find going to bed directly after trying to astral project is simply amazing, as your body is already in such a relaxed and out of it state.
Watch some Youtube videos. Find channels like Dakota Wint’s Dakota Of Earth. Find videos that make you happy, amuse you, distract you, allow you to escape from your life for a little while. Whatever intrigues you can probably be found on youtube, although i’d also recommend looking for binaural beats and meditating while listening to them.
You could also come and read blogs like mine, I mean i’m not one hundred percent certain that i’ll cheer you up but I hope I can at least ease the pain and be a distraction from whatever troubles you. Feel free to poke around my different posts, might find something more to read! There’s not a huge amount right now but i’m building it up at a steady rate, haven’t missed a single day yet! Really hope I didn’t just jinx myself with that one but ah well. I know this wasn’t much so i’ll probably post more on the topic later but that’s all for now.
Peace, love, and tranquil vibes people,
It’s kind of odd seeing all the new blog hate posts. Well I guess I wouldn’t call them hate posts but they all seem to be actively discouraging people from making blogs unless you can offer a service or affiliate marketing. Even then they all casually talk about having a couple hundred followers in order to do that.. How do they expect people to get up to a few hundred followers without learning from failure? Everything goes “Use perfect grammar, attract clients by turning yourself into a minor authority on a topic, find a popular niche and model yourself after that. Well sure you can generate a following that way but at that point you’re no longer really blogging are you? You’re just turning yourself into a business clone.
I don’t want to ever forget where i’ve come from. So many blogs seem to evolve into such large consumer fed constructs and lose the voice of the author which originally attracted people to the blog, I don’t want to become just another toneless voice on the internet. Another one of those blog owners who lurk in the comments of similar blogs in order to learn how to connect into that source or readers by seeing which of that blog’s posts generated the most traffic over the past couple of months. From their they usually go into guest posting on that blog in order to siphon traffic to their own blog. Now i’m not saying that all guest posting is evil or has an underhanded intent as it can sometimes be as simple as two collaborators deciding to help each other out.
Being perfectly honest ‘guest posting’ does somewhat intrigue me do to it’s potential to grow an audience, plus it’s been used to great success by a lot of big name blogs out there. I just feel that it would be rather impudent to the owner of that blog, regardless i’m sure i’ll get over some of my moral compunctions regarding the issue over time.
Anyways i’ve now started reaching a point where i’m going to need to decide if I should slightly branch out what I post about or if it would make more sense to just dive deeper into what I seem to have made as my core topic, any thoughts? Since I like to add an aspect of tranquility when I can, I was thinking of doing some posts on the effects of loneliness and self isolation. Specifically how one’s mindset and the thoughts they view of as normal begin to change over prolonged isolation, how one’s priorities and concerns seem to slightly shift. I’d also like to get into talking about some heavy topics such as social anxiety, depression, and eating disorders seeing as both have had quite a prevalent effect on my life. All of which I have experience with personally through both myself and with those who I hold dear.
Originally today I had planned to write something about why there’s so much dislike for hosting ads on your blog but I started to somewhat see what everyone’s point was so I became uncertain of the tone I wanted the post to have. The main concerns seem to be that ads take people away from your page, add extra loading time for when people are attempting to view the site, and that you have no control over what the ads are showing people so your post/site could end up advertising products or services of which you’d really rather not be associated with. Each and every one of those seems like a good reason to me however like I said earlier in this post I don’t understand why new bloggers aren’t encouraged to experiment for themselves. Why aren’t we left to learn to grow from our failures, especially with all of these options built into the site? Hence why i’ve currently got ads enabled.
I’m probably going to disable the ads after some time since I don’t really like all of the clauses within the ad hosting agreement, especially the one’s where they can enact a penalty if you post or talk about something they disagree with. I mean i’m not currently planning to post anything with ‘Any content that is inappropriate or not “family safe”.’ however what constitutes inappropriate is apparently decided upon at their discretion. I don’t enjoy the thought of just laying every post at their mercy. They also have control over anything ‘unlawful or promotes unlawful activity’ now i’m not planning to set out to violate laws with posts but being a Canadian citizen rather than U.S. citizen there’s almost certainly a few discrepancies in our laws that i’m unaware of. One of the biggest examples I can think of is what if I decided to make a post about the benefits of CBD which is one of the chemical compounds in marijuana? Marijuana is legal here in Canada however i’m not sure if every state has legalized it yet in the U.S. which could potentially make any posts about it “unlawful”.
I should probably specify that at the moment i’m not currently planning to post about anything marijuana related but there are a ton of benefits from it and ways it could be applied to meditation. Heck there’s even history of it already being strongly prevalent among spiritual groups as a way of communing with the divine/your higher self/the collective consciousness. There’s even a ton of recorded medical benefits aside from the spiritual ones. Huh, maybe I will end up posting about it after doing more research on whether it would be permitted or not. Anyways if you made it all the way to the bottom of this train-wreck of a post than I both thank and congratulate you. I was a bit distracted yesterday leading to such a long pause between posts resulting in things being a bit unstructured, or at least more so than usually. Soon i’ll be back to turning this blog into a nice tranquil refuge from your daily lives, I hope to see you join me on this journey. ^-^
As always dear readers, peace, love, and tranquil vibes,