Quote Of The Day #15

“Superior leaders are willing to make a mistake and cut their losses. Be willing to admit that you’ve changed your mind. Don’t persist when the original decision turns out to be a poor one.”

Brian Tracy

Loving You Like An Hourglass.

Loving you is like loving the sand in an hourglass

Silky smooth yet coarse as you pass through my fingers.

It’s like catching raindrops in your hands

for every bit you catch, so much more is slipping past.

We had a past.

A pretty good one too,

Yet I must be an hourglass

As I can feel you slipping through,

Your body running over mine

I guess we used up all our time..

I wonder if I’m still on your mind?

You’re on mine..

Every time I close my eyes I feel the touch of your lips, your mouth on my neck, your hips on my hips.

But then they open and I’m alone again, on my own again.

Looking at you through a pane of glass I can see that you’re happy.

Or you seem happy.

Either way I’m happy you’re happy or seem happy cause honestly as long as you’re happy it’s fine that I’m not.

You found friends and a direction

While I payed to get lost.

I disappeared into a sea of bodies and alcohol and way too hyped DJs

I did this on replay

Over

And over

And over again.

And while I’m getting better at hiding the pain

I can’t seem to stop meeting new people with your name.

I’m not sure if this is a sign that I’m supposed to forget you

I mean I’m certainly glad I met you

But now I need you to let me go,

For the final time

I loved you

Now it’s time for me to go.

.

.

.

C.C.

Future Content, Anxiety, And Self Improvement.

So I keep changing my mind a little bit about what sort of content I want to be consistently uploading. Like what sort of content just comes to me naturally and I have a vested interest in which would allow me to constantly churn stuff out? So far i’ve been on the thought process of doing meditation hippy type stuff, maybe even branching into the plant teacher side of things since marijuana is now legal over here in canada and psilocybin mushrooms just became decriminalized in Denver so I feel like there’s sort of an upswing in the movement for discussion on the potential benefits of these various plant teachers. However i’ve also heard about a lot of people running into trouble trying to talk about these things over various platforms, i’m also not sure how many people i’d be driving away if I began releasing that sort of content since a lot of people are pretty outspoken in their disapproval for such things. To the point that I know multiple people from YouTube whose channels got deleted because of videos where they consumed marijuana because for some reason they no longer count as ‘educational’. See you used to be able to post content with these different substances so long as they were made with educational intentions so people can learn more about them, you could sometimes stretch what was defined as educational content pretty far too! But ah well, most of the weedtubers I know just went and created their own site after banding together, I think it’s TheWeedTube.com so feel free to check that out if it’s your thing.

I know that I want to do some travel stuff and i’m thinking of picking up vlogging. I currently only have a GoPro5 Black and a little Lav mic along with an Ipad Air2 which I picked up a neat little lens for, I mean I know it’s not much and it’s certainly not the best equipment but I could certainly start creating with what i’ve got! Plus when I bought my GoPro it came with the Karma drone and Grip/gimble so i’m fairly confident I could get some quality shots from interesting perspectives! I will admit it’s a bit daunting to begin though, every time I watch someone’s videos whom I admire I end up scrolling back to their first few and seeing what they were like. At which point I get all in my head wondering if that’s what the videos i’ll make when I first begin are going to be like and I get all “oh gosh, they’re just so horrible. Like they’re incredibly cringy!” And I just know that one day i’ll be looking back at my first videos no matter how good they are and being all like ‘Oh my gosh, what were you doing!?!?!’ I know part of that is just my own self image and social anxiety but it’s also like a learning curve you know? Your first videos will always be awful since you’re just starting out and you haven’t quite learned what you will by constantly making videos, I mean sure you might have a ton of theoretical knowledge but until you go out and pick up that camera it’s just a framework of information you need to build on.

I’ve missed out on a lot of things in my life due to social anxiety so this is something that I made knowing that it kind of can’t be ruined by that. It’s a lot easier to disregard what other people think or their opinions of you when it’s through a screen like this, like no one can see me mess up or do anything awkward cause there’s no visual. At the same time though I know I need to work at getting over that social anxiety which is part of why I keep trying to push myself into making videos or podcasts. When I was little I really wanted to learn to dance, to dance and to sing. But being a young boy from a small town that was mostly populated by old people and farmers, there was no way to do so without becoming a target. If a young boy did those things in my hometown they would’ve been classified as gay with all that hate speech every day that comes with the title, it didn’t matter what this boy was into sexually. If his interests were considered feminine rather than MANLY things like sports or farming than he would become a punching bag for practically anyone, so I never learned to dance or sing at that age. Honestly I still haven’t learned to dance, I get really bad anxiety doing it and even ended up having a few panic attacks from being made to dance by friends. I don’t understand it since I love watching dance videos and at one point for drama I managed to squeak into an 80’s choreographed dance and I absolutely nailed it, loving every second, but then it was over and in the past. Even now I hate going into clubs or other dance situations and will often wind up either at the bar or just straight up outside of the venue, although I suppose hearing about tons of friends having really bad experiences in clubs I sometimes feel like i’m dodging a bullet.

What I meant to say in that last blurb though was that it’s interesting to watch what even just thirty days of blogging have done for me. I mean there’s not a huge amount of changes but simply knowing that there’s this whole community on here supporting ourselves and each other, it’s just so much easier to see how small and miniscule some random person’s opinion of you is. Like i’ve noticed when i’m hanging out with friends now i’ve begun loosening up a bit more and actually like talking and contributing to discussions rather than just being that friend who’s always listening and nodding just sort of lending comfort and support with their presence. It’s kind of funny actually, some people i’ve noticed became so used to just being able to keep talking and talking around me that when I try and comment on something they said they’ll get visibly irate for a few seconds before remembering this was supposed to be a dialogue rather than a monologue. It’s just neat.

I’ve also been constantly having like, mini revelations about myself and who I am as a person due to constantly having to hold myself accountable. Like I’m really starting to notice some of my flaws and realizing ways to change them, or at least realizing that they have the ability to be fixed if I do the right things. So I don’t know, I feel like i’m kind of going through a transformation with who I am inside and who I want to be, but also like, sort of remembering myself before my last relationship. My last relationship went on for quite a number of years starting in the earlier years of highschool and lasting well into college. So in other words, most of the time that you usually spend figuring yourself out as a person, we were figuring things out as a couple which of course meant compromises. These last couple years, but the most recent year mostly, i’ve been somewhat in a state of isolation. I moved to a new city, didn’t go out and meet people or get a job, I just sort of meditated and existed in my house occasionally hanging out with my roommate. This of course was a much different scenario than my surrounding had been in recent years, there was sort of this cut off from myself and other people as if I only existed in my own little sphere of reality.

Did I squander my first year living in Toronto? Most definitely! There were so many events and activities going on that I knew nothing about or just had no one to go with so instead I began journeying inward into the soul and well i’m not financially set or anything like that at all right now, I do have a much clearer state of mind and i’m finding it way easier to focus on things. Of course with all this time being cooped up my wanderlust is practically through the roof right now!

Anyways once again I meant to make a post about what types of content I was planning to release and instead ended up typing about social anxiety, a past relationship, and finding myself. Maybe that’s a potential theme? Doing motivational posts about mental health and finding myself, there’s probably not a large following for that unfortunately but who knows. Plus I guess the main point of this wasn’t for me to make money or a career, the main point of this blog was to have a space I could constantly talk about whatever topics I felt like and maybe help a few people along the way and so far? That’s what i’m doing.

Peace, love, and tranquil vibes everyone!

C.C.

Finding Supplementary Forms Of Income.

The number one form I can currently recommend is Fiverr. It’s a simple site that started out with the premise of you could pay someone $5 and they’d do whatever for you, be it write a resume, voiceovers, breakup with your significant other through video, literally anything really. These days it’s grown to have a wide range of prices but with my code you can get 20% off if you decide to get something. Even if you don’t i’d recommend signing up, it’s super easy for generating revenue. http://www.fiverr.com/s2/05fd98ad60

Start a blog! It’ll take time and dedication but over time you’ll grow a following. Once you have that you can start using your blog to sell your own products, work for various brands as an influencer if you wish, or even turn it into a book. Honestly the possibilities while not endless are indeed numerous. I mean you can run ads on your blog but honestly they don’t generate much income at all unless you have an insane amount of followers and honestly at that point it would be much more profitable to just sell something yourself.

Set up a GoFundMe account or some other equivalent like Patreon! With patreon you can create different tiers of rewards that people can get by donating money to you. For some people with large following even a simple shout out in a video for $2 could be a tier with the more expensive ones being something like a personal video chat with the person for $50 (or really whatever prices they wish to make the different tiers.) A lot of YouTubers use this as a way to fund their videos allowing them to buy better equipment or travel around the world making vlogs about different interestings locations!

You could always become a sugar baby, I mean that’s not really my thing but I can get behind the mentality of having all your needs being met in exchange for companionship. Also who knows, maybe they’ll leave you something in their will in memory of time spent together.

Become a YouTuber! Honestly this is an extremely lucrative field right now if you can manage to stand out from the crowd, consistently upload, and steadily work to build a good subscriber amount. YouTubers have tons of chances to make money from monetizing their videos, doing product placement, playing ads before their videos, and the list goes on and on. Sometimes they even go on to use what they learned from youtube to create movies or web series, maybe break into the acting business. Honestly if you have the time, desire, honesty, and equipment to become a YouTuber I say go for it! Even if you don’t become famous you’ll learn some neat skills with editing and filming and who knows, maybe one day something will come from it all.

If you’re a super fast typer unlike me, than I would recommend transcribing. There are always available job posts for it that only require an internet connection to complete. Just listen to what’s being said and type it down as quickly as you can, if you really want to invest in this than get yourself a medical transcription license. Due to all of the complex medical jargon they have a much higher pay rate than regular transcribing jobs, although if you can speak multiple languages you could transcribe other languages into english which is also a higher paying type of transcribing.

Ever wonder who takes all of those stock photo pictures? Well nowadays there are multiple sites and apps that you can use to sell pictures you’ve taken as stock footage. They don’t pay you a huge amount but if you’re constantly bringing in quality of different varieties than this can quickly become a wonderful little side hustle. Some sites will take raw unedited photos so if you can’t edit, no worries, you’re fine. You can still sell photos!

There are a few other ways I can think of off the top of my head but I think i’ll save that for another post. I was thinking of maybe turning these supplementary income posts as a bit of a series, these days there are countless avenues out there. You just need to actually be aware that they exist and are actually valid options for generating income, sometimes we think ‘oh there’s no way to make money doing that’ but with such a large amount of consumers out there these days, there’s almost always a way to make money off of somehing.

On a side note what do you guys think about podcasts? I recently became aware that wordpress has a function which allows you to post podcasts to your site along with simultaneously posting them over on Apple Podcasts and the Google Play Store among other podcast hosting sites. I’m not entirely sure what I would discuss on there but the appeal is strong, i’m thinking maybe twenty minute podcasts around once a week for a posting schedule as that could give me time to brainstorm what to talk about. But who knows? I’m also considering starting out on YouTube myself but once again I need to consider content, I mean odds are most of it will be rather similar in nature to my blog but that’ll just make it even harder not to wind up repeating topics. Although I guess if they’re all on separate platforms it could be fine? Anyways those are thoughts for another time, as of right now it’s time for me to wish you all peace, love, and tranquil vibes!

C.C.

Change The Way You Interact With Your Depression!

I know I briefly touched on this in my old post Somewhat Solution To The Sad Times but I felt it needed to be touched on again due to recent events. What do you do on those days where you just don’t feel like getting out of bed? The days where your whole entire being feels heavy, weighed down by the chemicals in your head. By chemicals i’m referring to the imbalance which causes depression. Depression is something i’ve known like a brother for the past 8-9 years, it crept up with just the occasional downswing to show it was coming. Before I knew it, it decided to move in. Things went from just feeling heavy and struggling to get out of bed, to the word suicide holding the same connotation in my head as a puppy. Things got extremely bad, but after several stupid decisions and a few failed actions, I began to gain some acceptance of this life.

Obviously I must be meant to be here regardless of my thoughts otherwise on the matter, else i’d already be long gone. The feelings have never truly gone away and I can always feel those thoughts lurking in the back of my mind, sneaking in any time they notice a point of weakness. It’s alright though, i’ve come to welcome this duality into my life. So many hours spent on thoughts about death and dying just serve to contrast the brighter parts of life making them even more evident. Surrendering to the universe i’ve decided whatever will happen will happen, and the moment I made that decision it was as if I was no longer carrying as heavy of a weight! So i’m not sure if depression ever goes away for those of us who are truly depressed, but I have learned that if you can change the way you see and interact with your depression than it WILL get easier. Even if just by a tiny bit.

I find it’s helpful to set tasks for yourself, just little things that force you out of bed at some point in the day. Once you’re out of bed allow yourself the comfort of a nice long warm shower, but make sure not to let your mind wander too much into heavier territory, just focus on the sensations of the water pounding your back, the steam caressing your skin, the warmth enveloping your bones; be present in the moment. Grab some earbuds and go for a short walk around your neighbourhood. Breathe in some deep breaths of fresh air savouring the feeling of freshness, feel a light breeze wrap around you in the ghost of a hug from mother earth, listen to those birds crying out their joy for life to the world, feel the warmth of the sun on your face; lose yourself in it. Once again these are all just different ways to stay present in the moment, but really that’s one of the most beneficial things you can do when you’re under siege by your own head.

For a time I tried using various forms of escapism before I realized what I was doing, and while they did allow me to step away from my thoughts I would always be right back with them afterwards without anything to truly show for it. I devoured books at an insane pace, plowing through multiple series in a week, I binged thousand of anime episodes, countless tv shows, movies, devoted insane amounts of hours into video games. But you know what? None of that was ever more than a temporary fix, a patch job, a band-aid on a gaping head wound. They would somewhat delay the end result but they wouldn’t have any other benefits. I mean I guess I could argue some of my writing ability came from all of that reading but seeing as most of it was fantasy I didn’t really learn much which couldn’t be found in an english class room over a much considerably shorter span of time.

So if things are going bad, like game over time to start a new file level bad. Change something in your life. Please stop waiting for others to come and help you, stop wallowing in the sadness, reveling in the sad music, vibing along to words of knives and bullets through the head. Stop running past scenarios over and over again in your head focusing on that empty, hollow, throbbing pain inside your chest. Please. None of that’s going to help you and just giving in and letting it swallow you up will be something you’ll always regret. Forever looking back and wondering exactly when things got so bad that you decided you didn’t want this life anymore. And I truly hate more than anything that people can relate to feeling this way, if there’s anyone reading this who hasn’t already done so and they’re feeling like they’re standing at an edge of a precipice, please, please, please confide in just a few people. Even if just one or two, allow them to help you hold that weight on your shoulders, and if you don’t have anyone to turn to than find someone! Your parents, therapists, a community of strangers online, new friends, whichever you choose just please don’t try to go it alone, I can tell you from experience that it never works well. And if you choose to go it alone, well if you’re one of the lucky ones you’ll live with the scars over your soul thinking of all you’ve done or tried to do because of this illness. Please don’t do that to yourself, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

I started this post planning to write about different things I do to lift my mood when i’m feeling low, instead I spent my time opening up about things I never expected to be telling random strangers on the internet. But the thought of this post helping even just a single person by giving them something to relate to, well it makes it something I almost feel as if I HAVE to post. If opening up about my past experiences and telling life stories to strangers has a chance to help people than the decision is an easy one. Which is kind of odd for me to think about because growing up I was an extremely private person who would go to great lengths in order to avoid opening up to anyone outside of my super close-knit friend group, heck even they didn’t know everything about me! In fact I specifically remember one of them talking to me about how they’d never seen me truly angry or sad and they complimented me on always being so calm even though that was the base emotion I had decided to put forward and wear like armor; I didn’t want anyone knowing exactly how broken I felt every day, and you know what it’s done for me? It led to two of my friends taking their own lives feeling there was no one they could relate to when all along I was right there and could have talked to them about it. Don’t put yourself in a position like that, I promise you it’ll feel like poison in your soul.

Anyways this got extremely dark and i’m super sorry for all of that everyone! Please try to always take the time to look after your earthly bodies as well as your spiritual half, their duality is what allows us this beautiful human experience. I wish each and every one of you the very best and I hope you continue moving forwards through this life! If you’re ever feeling really low and just need someone to talk to than shoot me a message over on instagram @fadetostay and i’ll do my best to get back to you. Continue living in the moment and spreading the peace, love, and those beautiful tranquil vibes!

C.C.