“I’m still learning to love myself, and that’s okay. I’m still learning.”
“I’m still learning to love myself, and that’s okay. I’m still learning.”
Went out and got some more footage today! I’ll write a bit more once I’m in wifi!
Alrighty, just want to get this one out of the way pretty quick because I have yet to make food today and it’s about 7:40pm so I’m kinda ravenous. Once again I’m using the speech to text function on the iPhone it’s pretty neat but it messes up a lot so please excuse my possibly bad grammar.
Anyways i’ve been thinking a bunch about the podcast function that’s on here and I have this one audio that I put together a little while back so I might upload that there first and then see how that does. Maybe work on releasing like an actual podcast afterwards; my roommate keeps mentioning that he wants to do a podcast with me on my blog here although I’m not really sure whether or not that will be the best collaboration but I mean we can find out!
Also I thinking about putting together some sort of video for the weed tube which is a collaboration website thing that’s a lot like YouTube made by a bunch of people that got kicked off YouTube for posting like marijuana related content they have the channels deleted multiple times or videos removed maybe demonetized and for a bunch of them that was like their main source of income. But yes so they made this new website and it’s completely free to join almost exactly like youtube, well not exactly it’s kind of like YouTube so it’s very familiar, meaning it’ll be easy to pick up.
Also we have silenced hippie and koala puffs coming to Toronto soon for a meet and greet as well as puff expo/puffco, something like that. If you decide to go to the meet and greet they have some little boxes they’re giving away like, little goodie bags and I’m kind of excited to get one although I’m definitely picking one of the cheaper options. 😬 And of course there’ll probably be a sesh with everyone there at some point which would certainly be amazing! ✨
I’m thinking of just wearing a GoPro and vlogging the whole thing but I’m not sure yet, don’t want to record anyone who doesn’t want to be recorded so I always feel awkward walking around taking video. But I guess that’s something I’ll learn to deal with in time.
Also I’ll probably upload that or you sometime today or tomorrow or tonight probably, so you can look forward to seeing that! I wish you all the most wonderfully peaceful, loving, and tranquil vibes possible. ^-^ ✨
Why do you dream of travel? For me I have always felt that I enjoy being rooted, but I don’t want to be tied down if that makes sense? Like I want to have someone with me that I can use as my rock or an anchor if you will, like you have a good connection and work well together. But at the same time I don’t wanna be tied down to staying in the same physical location all the time, like I constantly want new scenarios and I enjoy meeting new people. There are so many different opportunities that can arise from travelling this world, like I don’t get how so many people just grow up and eventually die in their hometown or even like just their home state/province. Like just go out and travel people! There’s so much out there, so many different cultures, different types of food, even just like different forms of nature flora and fauna, and it’s just so incredibly gorgeous how diverse this world is.
I feel like a big problem for me in my life is that i’ve always felt the need for constant change. You know like when I was young I would just jump between friend group to friend group, I just had to change things up or i’d get bored you know? So it just made sense to constantly change up the group of people I would talk to. When I graduated high school I am pretty much left a good portion of my old friends behind and focused on making a bunch of new connections in college. A lot of those people just changed who they were or I changed and we just didn’t click like we had used to, however some of them I did a social experiment on just out of curiosity and that sort of went, well yeah let’s just leave it at a social experiment but most of them took the worst outcome they could’ve chosen so yeah; it was time for a change. I mean i’ve still got a bunch of people from back then whom i’m still super close with, and of course there’s also others that I grew up with as like childhood best friends and we just went down entirely different paths in our lives. But I don’t know, it’s kind of hard going a different direction from the people you usually would be around. I mean I know you’ll eventually manifest and attract a whole new friend group based on the new things that you’re now into but people are always sad about leaving one another behind. I mean we try not to completely lose touch but sometimes you just do, sometimes people just change differently overtime and that’s life. That’s how we grow.
I feel like I’ve been changing a lot lately so it’ll make sense to me if I lose some people in the coming times of my life. There’s been this sort of awkward energy lately between us and I know it stems from all my mediation type stuff since all of that has really been changing me recently and i’m beginning to give it more value in my life, like i’m really holding this vested interest in spirituality, meditation, being present in the moment, and all of this social media/content creation stuff. I’m just noticing some people’s attitudes beginning to change as they just don’t get it. Like I know that this has all been causing a wonderful positive upswing in both my life and mood lately and I know it’s beneficial to me, like this is the path I need to be walking down right now. And part of me somewhat thinks they might come to understand it, like they could get it, maybe..but I’m really not sure whether or not I want to stay with them long enough to find out. Who knows though, whether they’ll come to join me in the same state of mind or not. But I guess we’ll find out!
What’s your favourite thing about travel? For me I’d have to say I love the smells in the new areas, just listening to people talk in different languages every day, and I especially love the food, along with the smell of the food, and all the different spices that just waft into your nose as you walk along the street! I also just feel way more energized when I travel, like I’ll get up in the morning and walk over to the bathroom, open the window, lean out over the balcony, and take in a huge breath of fresh air! I don’t feel lethargic when I travel and wake up in the morning, like I don’t wait around my bed just lounging for a couple hours on my phone being like ‘I can’t get out of bed, ugh.’ No, when i’m travelling and that alarm goes off i’m up and out the door speedy quick, I’ll try and emulate that when I’m not travelling sometimes however that energy you get from travelling which helps make it so easy to get up and go places, it just doesn’t seem to hang around for very long.
Also I feel like I should mention that most of this post has been made by me just talking into the microphone of my phone and having it just use the speech to text function built into it. So I’m going to go back and correct as much of the grammar as possible (or at least as much as I notice in this quick skim through) because I can see it spelling some things incorrectly as I speak this paragraph out loud. So yea if I miss anything and you find a typo or weird bit of grammer, that’s why it’s there, probably. I mean I didn’t go to college for English but I feel like my grammer’s pretty good, I spent way too much time reading and writing for it to not be at the bare minimum, adequate. Anyways that’s it for today’s post! It would’ve been up earlier but Danny Reitzloff *moon hawk* started a livestream on instagram so I had to go and hang out there for a bit of course. I actually really enjoy writing out posts while watching someone’s live stream, it helps keep the inspiration coming and renews my beliefs in the power of content creation. But yea, that’s all folks! I wish you all so much peace, love, and tranquil vibrations!
So I keep changing my mind a little bit about what sort of content I want to be consistently uploading. Like what sort of content just comes to me naturally and I have a vested interest in which would allow me to constantly churn stuff out? So far i’ve been on the thought process of doing meditation hippy type stuff, maybe even branching into the plant teacher side of things since marijuana is now legal over here in canada and psilocybin mushrooms just became decriminalized in Denver so I feel like there’s sort of an upswing in the movement for discussion on the potential benefits of these various plant teachers. However i’ve also heard about a lot of people running into trouble trying to talk about these things over various platforms, i’m also not sure how many people i’d be driving away if I began releasing that sort of content since a lot of people are pretty outspoken in their disapproval for such things. To the point that I know multiple people from YouTube whose channels got deleted because of videos where they consumed marijuana because for some reason they no longer count as ‘educational’. See you used to be able to post content with these different substances so long as they were made with educational intentions so people can learn more about them, you could sometimes stretch what was defined as educational content pretty far too! But ah well, most of the weedtubers I know just went and created their own site after banding together, I think it’s TheWeedTube.com so feel free to check that out if it’s your thing.
I know that I want to do some travel stuff and i’m thinking of picking up vlogging. I currently only have a GoPro5 Black and a little Lav mic along with an Ipad Air2 which I picked up a neat little lens for, I mean I know it’s not much and it’s certainly not the best equipment but I could certainly start creating with what i’ve got! Plus when I bought my GoPro it came with the Karma drone and Grip/gimble so i’m fairly confident I could get some quality shots from interesting perspectives! I will admit it’s a bit daunting to begin though, every time I watch someone’s videos whom I admire I end up scrolling back to their first few and seeing what they were like. At which point I get all in my head wondering if that’s what the videos i’ll make when I first begin are going to be like and I get all “oh gosh, they’re just so horrible. Like they’re incredibly cringy!” And I just know that one day i’ll be looking back at my first videos no matter how good they are and being all like ‘Oh my gosh, what were you doing!?!?!’ I know part of that is just my own self image and social anxiety but it’s also like a learning curve you know? Your first videos will always be awful since you’re just starting out and you haven’t quite learned what you will by constantly making videos, I mean sure you might have a ton of theoretical knowledge but until you go out and pick up that camera it’s just a framework of information you need to build on.
I’ve missed out on a lot of things in my life due to social anxiety so this is something that I made knowing that it kind of can’t be ruined by that. It’s a lot easier to disregard what other people think or their opinions of you when it’s through a screen like this, like no one can see me mess up or do anything awkward cause there’s no visual. At the same time though I know I need to work at getting over that social anxiety which is part of why I keep trying to push myself into making videos or podcasts. When I was little I really wanted to learn to dance, to dance and to sing. But being a young boy from a small town that was mostly populated by old people and farmers, there was no way to do so without becoming a target. If a young boy did those things in my hometown they would’ve been classified as gay with all that hate speech every day that comes with the title, it didn’t matter what this boy was into sexually. If his interests were considered feminine rather than MANLY things like sports or farming than he would become a punching bag for practically anyone, so I never learned to dance or sing at that age. Honestly I still haven’t learned to dance, I get really bad anxiety doing it and even ended up having a few panic attacks from being made to dance by friends. I don’t understand it since I love watching dance videos and at one point for drama I managed to squeak into an 80’s choreographed dance and I absolutely nailed it, loving every second, but then it was over and in the past. Even now I hate going into clubs or other dance situations and will often wind up either at the bar or just straight up outside of the venue, although I suppose hearing about tons of friends having really bad experiences in clubs I sometimes feel like i’m dodging a bullet.
What I meant to say in that last blurb though was that it’s interesting to watch what even just thirty days of blogging have done for me. I mean there’s not a huge amount of changes but simply knowing that there’s this whole community on here supporting ourselves and each other, it’s just so much easier to see how small and miniscule some random person’s opinion of you is. Like i’ve noticed when i’m hanging out with friends now i’ve begun loosening up a bit more and actually like talking and contributing to discussions rather than just being that friend who’s always listening and nodding just sort of lending comfort and support with their presence. It’s kind of funny actually, some people i’ve noticed became so used to just being able to keep talking and talking around me that when I try and comment on something they said they’ll get visibly irate for a few seconds before remembering this was supposed to be a dialogue rather than a monologue. It’s just neat.
I’ve also been constantly having like, mini revelations about myself and who I am as a person due to constantly having to hold myself accountable. Like I’m really starting to notice some of my flaws and realizing ways to change them, or at least realizing that they have the ability to be fixed if I do the right things. So I don’t know, I feel like i’m kind of going through a transformation with who I am inside and who I want to be, but also like, sort of remembering myself before my last relationship. My last relationship went on for quite a number of years starting in the earlier years of highschool and lasting well into college. So in other words, most of the time that you usually spend figuring yourself out as a person, we were figuring things out as a couple which of course meant compromises. These last couple years, but the most recent year mostly, i’ve been somewhat in a state of isolation. I moved to a new city, didn’t go out and meet people or get a job, I just sort of meditated and existed in my house occasionally hanging out with my roommate. This of course was a much different scenario than my surrounding had been in recent years, there was sort of this cut off from myself and other people as if I only existed in my own little sphere of reality.
Did I squander my first year living in Toronto? Most definitely! There were so many events and activities going on that I knew nothing about or just had no one to go with so instead I began journeying inward into the soul and well i’m not financially set or anything like that at all right now, I do have a much clearer state of mind and i’m finding it way easier to focus on things. Of course with all this time being cooped up my wanderlust is practically through the roof right now!
Anyways once again I meant to make a post about what types of content I was planning to release and instead ended up typing about social anxiety, a past relationship, and finding myself. Maybe that’s a potential theme? Doing motivational posts about mental health and finding myself, there’s probably not a large following for that unfortunately but who knows. Plus I guess the main point of this wasn’t for me to make money or a career, the main point of this blog was to have a space I could constantly talk about whatever topics I felt like and maybe help a few people along the way and so far? That’s what i’m doing.
Peace, love, and tranquil vibes everyone!
I know I briefly touched on this in my old post Somewhat Solution To The Sad Times but I felt it needed to be touched on again due to recent events. What do you do on those days where you just don’t feel like getting out of bed? The days where your whole entire being feels heavy, weighed down by the chemicals in your head. By chemicals i’m referring to the imbalance which causes depression. Depression is something i’ve known like a brother for the past 8-9 years, it crept up with just the occasional downswing to show it was coming. Before I knew it, it decided to move in. Things went from just feeling heavy and struggling to get out of bed, to the word suicide holding the same connotation in my head as a puppy. Things got extremely bad, but after several stupid decisions and a few failed actions, I began to gain some acceptance of this life.
Obviously I must be meant to be here regardless of my thoughts otherwise on the matter, else i’d already be long gone. The feelings have never truly gone away and I can always feel those thoughts lurking in the back of my mind, sneaking in any time they notice a point of weakness. It’s alright though, i’ve come to welcome this duality into my life. So many hours spent on thoughts about death and dying just serve to contrast the brighter parts of life making them even more evident. Surrendering to the universe i’ve decided whatever will happen will happen, and the moment I made that decision it was as if I was no longer carrying as heavy of a weight! So i’m not sure if depression ever goes away for those of us who are truly depressed, but I have learned that if you can change the way you see and interact with your depression than it WILL get easier. Even if just by a tiny bit.
I find it’s helpful to set tasks for yourself, just little things that force you out of bed at some point in the day. Once you’re out of bed allow yourself the comfort of a nice long warm shower, but make sure not to let your mind wander too much into heavier territory, just focus on the sensations of the water pounding your back, the steam caressing your skin, the warmth enveloping your bones; be present in the moment. Grab some earbuds and go for a short walk around your neighbourhood. Breathe in some deep breaths of fresh air savouring the feeling of freshness, feel a light breeze wrap around you in the ghost of a hug from mother earth, listen to those birds crying out their joy for life to the world, feel the warmth of the sun on your face; lose yourself in it. Once again these are all just different ways to stay present in the moment, but really that’s one of the most beneficial things you can do when you’re under siege by your own head.
For a time I tried using various forms of escapism before I realized what I was doing, and while they did allow me to step away from my thoughts I would always be right back with them afterwards without anything to truly show for it. I devoured books at an insane pace, plowing through multiple series in a week, I binged thousand of anime episodes, countless tv shows, movies, devoted insane amounts of hours into video games. But you know what? None of that was ever more than a temporary fix, a patch job, a band-aid on a gaping head wound. They would somewhat delay the end result but they wouldn’t have any other benefits. I mean I guess I could argue some of my writing ability came from all of that reading but seeing as most of it was fantasy I didn’t really learn much which couldn’t be found in an english class room over a much considerably shorter span of time.
So if things are going bad, like game over time to start a new file level bad. Change something in your life. Please stop waiting for others to come and help you, stop wallowing in the sadness, reveling in the sad music, vibing along to words of knives and bullets through the head. Stop running past scenarios over and over again in your head focusing on that empty, hollow, throbbing pain inside your chest. Please. None of that’s going to help you and just giving in and letting it swallow you up will be something you’ll always regret. Forever looking back and wondering exactly when things got so bad that you decided you didn’t want this life anymore. And I truly hate more than anything that people can relate to feeling this way, if there’s anyone reading this who hasn’t already done so and they’re feeling like they’re standing at an edge of a precipice, please, please, please confide in just a few people. Even if just one or two, allow them to help you hold that weight on your shoulders, and if you don’t have anyone to turn to than find someone! Your parents, therapists, a community of strangers online, new friends, whichever you choose just please don’t try to go it alone, I can tell you from experience that it never works well. And if you choose to go it alone, well if you’re one of the lucky ones you’ll live with the scars over your soul thinking of all you’ve done or tried to do because of this illness. Please don’t do that to yourself, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
I started this post planning to write about different things I do to lift my mood when i’m feeling low, instead I spent my time opening up about things I never expected to be telling random strangers on the internet. But the thought of this post helping even just a single person by giving them something to relate to, well it makes it something I almost feel as if I HAVE to post. If opening up about my past experiences and telling life stories to strangers has a chance to help people than the decision is an easy one. Which is kind of odd for me to think about because growing up I was an extremely private person who would go to great lengths in order to avoid opening up to anyone outside of my super close-knit friend group, heck even they didn’t know everything about me! In fact I specifically remember one of them talking to me about how they’d never seen me truly angry or sad and they complimented me on always being so calm even though that was the base emotion I had decided to put forward and wear like armor; I didn’t want anyone knowing exactly how broken I felt every day, and you know what it’s done for me? It led to two of my friends taking their own lives feeling there was no one they could relate to when all along I was right there and could have talked to them about it. Don’t put yourself in a position like that, I promise you it’ll feel like poison in your soul.
Anyways this got extremely dark and i’m super sorry for all of that everyone! Please try to always take the time to look after your earthly bodies as well as your spiritual half, their duality is what allows us this beautiful human experience. I wish each and every one of you the very best and I hope you continue moving forwards through this life! If you’re ever feeling really low and just need someone to talk to than shoot me a message over on instagram @fadetostay and i’ll do my best to get back to you. Continue living in the moment and spreading the peace, love, and those beautiful tranquil vibes!
I spent the last few days just meditating and planning out where i’m going to go with things, along with watching some videos and gleaning bits of knowledge. To be perfectly honest i’m still not one hundred percent sure on any of my decisions and some of them are constantly changing in my head. But I do know this, this blog is going to be up for at least a year. During this year i’m going to add an instagram account linked to the page, in fact i’ve already done so! You can find me @fadetostay if you’d like to check thing out, i’m going to be posting at least once or twice a week but that may change in the future.
All of the videos I was watching were telling me things like “Don’t be idle.” “Make yourself useful.” I mean it’s things we tell children right? But nonetheless these sayings still hold true no matter what your age is. In this day and age all around us we see creators and consumers; the people who walk around day and night spending money on things they think they really want but don’t actually need, and the people who are always creating, releasing new content and drawing in more and more consumers. Some of those creators even help teach others to create! Which is where they make their income, well not income I guess but more like how they build their brand up to the point that they can start finding ways to generate an income from it. (Which is technically different, right?…right?)
I think depending on what I can get going with this blog and Instagram I might even begin attempting to generate some sort of YouTube presence. As InfiniteWaters says “Video has the largest domain right night now.” And if i’m ever going to get to the point of being able to use blogging, videos, and social media as my main sources of income than i’m going to have to start somewhere right? On the upside I already have a tiny bit of experience with this from my Acting! Take that everyone who said an arts degree was useless! Ha ha! Sorry, that was quite gratifying. Also I should clarify i’m not apologizing for any other reason than i’m canadian and that’s just what we do, ^-^
Do you know what every single one of the big, super popular, tons of followers, content creators say? At one point they’ll all recommend you getting yourself a website, it’s how they grew their own brands usually. They all talk about it along with the phrases “Consistency is key.” or “Stay focused.” “Be confident.” “Be bold.” “Stop waiting!” and my favorite “Always ask yourself ‘how is this working for me?'” But you know why they all constantly say these phrases? These daily motivators and tidbits to keep you going? Because they work. Honest, they’re all one hundred percent true. If you follow all of those things in this day and age with the technology and resources available to us, all while living truthfully and following what you love, you will find an avenue to succeed. All it takes is a little time and discipline, which are honestly two things I need to manage way better for myself and I will going forwards. I know I keep saying i’m going to get back into posting every single day and letting it go, but i’m saying it once more. Hopefully for the last time for a long while.
I might try learning how to automate things, like posts for social media. That way I can always have some more posts on the way even if I end up needing a day off from writing. For now though i’ve got to hop over to instagram and toss up a post or two, I hope you took something from this. I always feel like I end up teaching myself more about any topic I begin to write about, but then again they say the best way to learn is to teach!
As always, peace, love, and tranquil vibes,