Future Content, Anxiety, And Self Improvement.

So I keep changing my mind a little bit about what sort of content I want to be consistently uploading. Like what sort of content just comes to me naturally and I have a vested interest in which would allow me to constantly churn stuff out? So far i’ve been on the thought process of doing meditation hippy type stuff, maybe even branching into the plant teacher side of things since marijuana is now legal over here in canada and psilocybin mushrooms just became decriminalized in Denver so I feel like there’s sort of an upswing in the movement for discussion on the potential benefits of these various plant teachers. However i’ve also heard about a lot of people running into trouble trying to talk about these things over various platforms, i’m also not sure how many people i’d be driving away if I began releasing that sort of content since a lot of people are pretty outspoken in their disapproval for such things. To the point that I know multiple people from YouTube whose channels got deleted because of videos where they consumed marijuana because for some reason they no longer count as ‘educational’. See you used to be able to post content with these different substances so long as they were made with educational intentions so people can learn more about them, you could sometimes stretch what was defined as educational content pretty far too! But ah well, most of the weedtubers I know just went and created their own site after banding together, I think it’s TheWeedTube.com so feel free to check that out if it’s your thing.

I know that I want to do some travel stuff and i’m thinking of picking up vlogging. I currently only have a GoPro5 Black and a little Lav mic along with an Ipad Air2 which I picked up a neat little lens for, I mean I know it’s not much and it’s certainly not the best equipment but I could certainly start creating with what i’ve got! Plus when I bought my GoPro it came with the Karma drone and Grip/gimble so i’m fairly confident I could get some quality shots from interesting perspectives! I will admit it’s a bit daunting to begin though, every time I watch someone’s videos whom I admire I end up scrolling back to their first few and seeing what they were like. At which point I get all in my head wondering if that’s what the videos i’ll make when I first begin are going to be like and I get all “oh gosh, they’re just so horrible. Like they’re incredibly cringy!” And I just know that one day i’ll be looking back at my first videos no matter how good they are and being all like ‘Oh my gosh, what were you doing!?!?!’ I know part of that is just my own self image and social anxiety but it’s also like a learning curve you know? Your first videos will always be awful since you’re just starting out and you haven’t quite learned what you will by constantly making videos, I mean sure you might have a ton of theoretical knowledge but until you go out and pick up that camera it’s just a framework of information you need to build on.

I’ve missed out on a lot of things in my life due to social anxiety so this is something that I made knowing that it kind of can’t be ruined by that. It’s a lot easier to disregard what other people think or their opinions of you when it’s through a screen like this, like no one can see me mess up or do anything awkward cause there’s no visual. At the same time though I know I need to work at getting over that social anxiety which is part of why I keep trying to push myself into making videos or podcasts. When I was little I really wanted to learn to dance, to dance and to sing. But being a young boy from a small town that was mostly populated by old people and farmers, there was no way to do so without becoming a target. If a young boy did those things in my hometown they would’ve been classified as gay with all that hate speech every day that comes with the title, it didn’t matter what this boy was into sexually. If his interests were considered feminine rather than MANLY things like sports or farming than he would become a punching bag for practically anyone, so I never learned to dance or sing at that age. Honestly I still haven’t learned to dance, I get really bad anxiety doing it and even ended up having a few panic attacks from being made to dance by friends. I don’t understand it since I love watching dance videos and at one point for drama I managed to squeak into an 80’s choreographed dance and I absolutely nailed it, loving every second, but then it was over and in the past. Even now I hate going into clubs or other dance situations and will often wind up either at the bar or just straight up outside of the venue, although I suppose hearing about tons of friends having really bad experiences in clubs I sometimes feel like i’m dodging a bullet.

What I meant to say in that last blurb though was that it’s interesting to watch what even just thirty days of blogging have done for me. I mean there’s not a huge amount of changes but simply knowing that there’s this whole community on here supporting ourselves and each other, it’s just so much easier to see how small and miniscule some random person’s opinion of you is. Like i’ve noticed when i’m hanging out with friends now i’ve begun loosening up a bit more and actually like talking and contributing to discussions rather than just being that friend who’s always listening and nodding just sort of lending comfort and support with their presence. It’s kind of funny actually, some people i’ve noticed became so used to just being able to keep talking and talking around me that when I try and comment on something they said they’ll get visibly irate for a few seconds before remembering this was supposed to be a dialogue rather than a monologue. It’s just neat.

I’ve also been constantly having like, mini revelations about myself and who I am as a person due to constantly having to hold myself accountable. Like I’m really starting to notice some of my flaws and realizing ways to change them, or at least realizing that they have the ability to be fixed if I do the right things. So I don’t know, I feel like i’m kind of going through a transformation with who I am inside and who I want to be, but also like, sort of remembering myself before my last relationship. My last relationship went on for quite a number of years starting in the earlier years of highschool and lasting well into college. So in other words, most of the time that you usually spend figuring yourself out as a person, we were figuring things out as a couple which of course meant compromises. These last couple years, but the most recent year mostly, i’ve been somewhat in a state of isolation. I moved to a new city, didn’t go out and meet people or get a job, I just sort of meditated and existed in my house occasionally hanging out with my roommate. This of course was a much different scenario than my surrounding had been in recent years, there was sort of this cut off from myself and other people as if I only existed in my own little sphere of reality.

Did I squander my first year living in Toronto? Most definitely! There were so many events and activities going on that I knew nothing about or just had no one to go with so instead I began journeying inward into the soul and well i’m not financially set or anything like that at all right now, I do have a much clearer state of mind and i’m finding it way easier to focus on things. Of course with all this time being cooped up my wanderlust is practically through the roof right now!

Anyways once again I meant to make a post about what types of content I was planning to release and instead ended up typing about social anxiety, a past relationship, and finding myself. Maybe that’s a potential theme? Doing motivational posts about mental health and finding myself, there’s probably not a large following for that unfortunately but who knows. Plus I guess the main point of this wasn’t for me to make money or a career, the main point of this blog was to have a space I could constantly talk about whatever topics I felt like and maybe help a few people along the way and so far? That’s what i’m doing.

Peace, love, and tranquil vibes everyone!

C.C.

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